Summer Scape ending

Zyle,

I knew I shouldn’t bother you anymore like what I said the last time I saw you but… I couldn’t help myself writing for you. If you’re reading this, please know that it already makes me happy.

I am writing to you because I knew that my time is near. Matagal ko nang nararamdaman pero nilalabanan ko pero hanggang dito na lang ‘ata talaga ako.

I wanted to tell you the truth, at ngayon palang, humihingi na ako ng tawad. Patawad, sa lahat ng sakit na naidulot ko sa’yo. Sana mapatawad mo ako…

Later the day we fight, hindi ako mapakali. Kaya kahit madilim na, gusto kitang puntahan. I contacted Zach para samahan ako since hindi ko kayang mag-drive sa sitwasyon ko. But along the way, biglang dumugo ‘yung ilong ko. Zach insisted to brought me to the hospital pero ayoko—Nga pala. Hindi ako takot sa ospital. Pero dahil sa sakit ko, inayawan ko na. Saka ayoko rin naman talaga doon. Ayoko kitang kasama doon kasi baka malaman mo ang tunay na kalagayan ko.

Dahil nagpupumilit si Zach sa ospital at hindi nga ako makakita ng maayos dahil may RP ako, hindi ko sinasadyang guluhin si Zach. He got distracted on our way to the hospital kaya hindi niya na napansin ‘yung truck. Well, that’s how I remember it. Sorry. I think lapitin talaga ako ng disgrasya. ☹

When I woke up, I couldn’t see anymore. Akala ko, black out lang. ‘yun pala, dumating na ‘yung araw na kinakatakutan ko. I was thinking of you that time. Iniisip ko kung paano ko sasabihin sa’yo o kung tatanggapin mo pa ba ‘ko. Nang tinanong ko ang mga magulang ko kung nasaan ka, natural hindi nila alam. Hindi naman kasi kita pinakilala. Kung alam ko lang ‘yung mangyayari, pinakilala sana kita. E di sana alam mo kung nasaan ako. E di sana alam mo. Sana… naantay mo pa ako. 

Hindi ko naman alam. Hindi ko naman inaakala na pagising ko… Limang taon na pala ‘yung nakalipas…

Akala ko nagbibiro lang sila mama. Nagalit pa ako kay Zach kasi akala ko pinagkakaisahan nila ako. Pero narinig ko sa TV… Narinig ko sa radyo… Totoo nga. Limang taon na nga ang nakalipas. I cried so hard lalo na ng nalaman ko na na-coma rin pala si Zach. Siya lang ang nakakaalam tungol sa atin. ‘Yung iba n’yo namang kaibigan, hindi rin kilala mga magulang ko… 

So nasaan ka? Alam mo ba ‘yung nangyari sa akin? Iniintay mo ba ako? Anong nangyari sa’yo? 

Ilan lang ‘yon sa mga tanong sa utak ko. Kaso, nang tanungin kita kay Zach, huli na pala ako. Huli na rin pala siya.

Ikaw raw una niyang hinanap nang magising siya. Pero may papakasalan ka na pala. Nagkakaanak ka na pala. He said you say you’re happy. Kaya hindi na raw niya sinabi ‘yung nangyari sa akin. I’m glad he made the right decision. I’m glad he knew what I want kaya hindi niya sinabi sa’yo. Saka tama rin naman sila mama, wala rin namang kasiguraduhan noon kung gigising pa ako. Ayokong umasa ka sa wala. Pero mas ayoko ‘yung makagulo ako sa iyo.

You’ll have your family. You’re happy. That all that matters to me. Know that your happiness is also my happiness.

But I’ve miss you. I want to hear you again. Siguro nga makulit talaga ako. Kaya kahit na may hinala akong galit ka, gusto ko pa rin magpakita sa’yo. Okay lang na magalit ka sa akin. Isa pa, gusto ko rin malaman kung anong nangyari sa’yo kaya ginusto kong makipag usap. Kahit iyon na lang.

I’m sorry about Lhyre…

The baby… I believe it’s a miracle he was formed. But it was dead when he was born. Sinabi lang nila sa akin ‘yung nangyari kaya wala rin akong alam. I’m sorry. I really am sorry. Kung hindi sana kita inaway ng araw ‘yon, hindi sana ito nangyari. Pero alam mo naman ako at ang moody hormones ko… Kaya ko rin siguro ‘yon nagawa. Kaya kita nasigawan ng araw na ‘yon. Sorry. Pasensya na talaga.

Looking back, I have lot of what if’s but I think, I will remain like that forever. Just a what if… Just a thought… Something that will never happened in reality… But it’s okay, It’s all in the pass now.

By the way, did you heard my song? Zach told me it trends because I’m singing blind. Now, I can rest knowing that I’m in the heart of those who listened to me. I really hope it stays here in earth…

Zyle, this time, I am really promising that I won’t bother you anymore. But please, forgive Zach. Wala siyang kasalanan. Sinunod niya lang naman ‘yung gusto ko. Saka kapag ayos na kayo, pwede mo ba akong ihingi rin ng tawad sa kaniya? He married me for a reason… But I know that I hurt him so much. I’m such a burden to him. At kahit na wala na ako, I knew that I’ll be forever a burden to him... Please tell him I’m sorry I couldn’t reciprocate his love for me.

Zyle, after everything, can you still forgive me? Don’t worry, I’ll wait until you’re ready to forgive me. Take your time, okay? 

I love you. Always and Forever.

P.S. After reading this, please don’t think too much. No one’s at fault. I am the one to blame on everything that happen.

P.P.S. If I forget to tell you something, please don’t hate me?

Always,
Karila Collins